Meet the Family

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight.
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.
This should be an interesting night.

Marital Bliss

I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too.
Hopefully they’ll never meet.

Celebrity

Q: What's the definition of a celebrity?
A: Somebody who spends the first half of their life trying to become famous, and the second wearing dark glasses so no one will recognize them.