When I Get Out

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

Cashew Fetish

I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. 
He's fucking nuts.

Getting the Recipe

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home. Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked.
However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips. The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers. So he quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar." The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"