Blonde at Welfare Office

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Avocado

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!

Bun Twitch

An obese woman goes to a doctor to be put on a drastic weight-loss program. The doctor tells her that she can eat anything she likes but that any food must be inserted up the anus. The woman agrees and four weeks later comes back for a check-up. The doctor is very pleased with the woman’s progress but is concerned that the woman’s hips keep twitching constantly. 
“When did that hip twitching start?” asks the doctor. “That's not twitching,” replies the woman. “I’m chewing gum.”