Old Man's Peanuts

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Vegetarian Now

I'm a vegetarian. We worshipped animals when we were growing up 'cause my mother was a cow. I'm kidding -- my father loves that joke.

Secret Spice

Q: Which spice can't keep a secret?
A: Only thyme will tell.