The good, bad, and ugly!

• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
• Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
• Ugly: You're in them

• Good: Your husband understands fashion
• Bad: He's a cross-dresser
• Ugly: He looks better than you

• Good: Your son's finally maturing
• Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
• Ugly: So are you

• Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
• Bad: She keeps interrupting
• Ugly: With corrections

• Good: Your wife's not talking to you
• Bad: She wants a divorce
• Ugly: She's a lawyer

• Good: The postman's early
• Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
• Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

• Good: Your daughter got a new job
• Bad: As a hooker
• Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
• Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

• Good: You're son is dating someone new
• Bad: It's another man
• Ugly: He's you're best friend

• Good: You're wife is pregnant
• Bad: It's triplets
• Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Little Johnny - Don't Ask

Little Johnny asked his mom about her age. "Johnny, gentlemen don't ask ladies that question" Johnny asks his mom about her weight. "Johnny, gentlemen also don't ask ladies about their weight" So Little Johnny asks, "Why did daddy leave you then?"
"Johnny lets not talk about that." She then sent Johnny to his room. On his way to his room he trips on his mom's purse and there he finds her drivers license.
He runs back to his mom and proudly says, "Mom! I know all about you now! You are 42 years old, weigh 172 pounds and the reason why daddy left you is because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Crafty Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates." A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John. John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son." Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."