Touring guide for Northerners Visiting the South

Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States.  If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

How to Speak Southern

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

• Aig - What a hen lays
• Aints - He's got aints in his paints
• Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
• Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
• Bag - He bagged her to marry him
• Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
• Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
• Bub - the light bub burned out
• Cheer - What you set in
• Crick - A small stream
• Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
• Chiny - country over in Asia
• Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
• Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
• Cyow - Animal on Farm
• Deppity - He helps out the shurf
• Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
• Dainz - Satidy night social
• Ellum - A graceful tree
• Fanger - What you put your rang on
• Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
• Far - What get the brandin arn hot
• Furred - He got furred from his job
• Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
• Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
• Furiners - All non-'bamans
• Further - Hits ten miles further to town
• Grain - She was grain with envy
• Hail - Where bad folks go
• Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
• Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
• Hilbilly - People in the next county
• Hollar - Whats between the hills
• Hardhand - Got a brend new hardhand
• Tar - His core blew a tar
• Laymun - A sour fruit
• Laig - Most folks have two of them
• Lather - What you climb up
• Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
• Mailk - what you get from cyows
• Mere - What you see your self in
• Minners - Live bait
• Misrus - Married Woman
• Nar - Opposite of wide
• Nayk - Your head sets on it
• Nup - No
• Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
• Ormy - What the sojers go in
• Pank - A light red color
• Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
• Petition - What separate the rooms
• Poke - A paper bag or sack
• Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
• Salit - A green vegetable
• Puppet - What the preacher is in
• Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
• Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
• Rang - You wear it on your fanger
• Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
• Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
• Rainch - A big cow farm
• Rat - Do it rat now!
• Rench - Rench the soap yourself
• Roont - She plum roont her shoes
• Salary - A stringy vegetable
• Soardeens - Small canned fish
• Shar - A light rain
• Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
• Toad strangler - A heavy rain
• Sody Pop - A soft drink
• Sprang - Water out'n the ground
• Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
• Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
• Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
• Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
• Tho - Tho me the ball
• Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
• War - A bobbed war fance
• Worsh - Go worsh your face
• Warter - What you worsh your face in
• Yurp - A continent overseas

Made in Canada

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton. "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."" Easily done. Anything else?" "Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."