Natives Like Americans

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

Bill Of No Rights

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper:
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. You do not have the right to free food and housing.  Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you. You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Top 50 Jokes

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
9. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
10. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
11. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
12. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
13. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
14. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
15. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
16. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
17. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
18. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
19. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
20. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
21. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
22. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
23. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
24. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
25. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
26. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
27. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
28. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
29. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
30. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
31. The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
32. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
33. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
34. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
35. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
36. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
37. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
38. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
39. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
40. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
41. I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
42. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
43. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
44. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
45. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
46. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
47. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
48. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
49. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
50. SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!! Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.