Perfect Unison

Q: How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Carrie Fisher

Carrie Fisher is in heaven and she goes into God's office. "I've been up here for a few days, and I don't have a halo yet. George Michael has one, why don't I?"
God explains that there is a back order, but since he loved her in "Star Wars" he will bump her on the list.
So she gets her halo and she's happy for a few days. Then goes back into God's office angry as hell.
"You know, I ran into Dale Earnhardt today. Nice guy, but his halo is 3 times the size if mine. I was Princess Leia, and all he did was drive a car and turn left."
God interrupts her and tells her "That's not a halo it's a steering wheel."

Men Go To Heaven

There are 3 guys who get a visit from an angel. The angel says, "I'm giving you a heads up. You are going to die and then come back with a girl. How good you are in heaven determines how beautiful she'll be." So the first guy comes back and is with a really ugly girl. The most ugly you have probably seen. Then, the second guy comes back and is with an even uglier girl. But, when the third guy comes back he is with the most beautiful girl you ever did see. The first 2 guys look at each other saying, "Wow, he must have been very good." Then the woman shouts, "I GOT STUCK WITH HIM?"