Michael Jackson's Legos

Have you heard? Michael Jackson’s last wish was that his body be turned into Legos. So little kids can play with him. It turns out this wish hasn’t been difficult to implement, as his body was already 99% plastic.

Wife Down

I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonalds serves breakfast all day.

Bart At The chalkboard!

The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not spank others.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not barf unless I'm sick.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
• I will not conduct my own fire drills.
• Funny noises are not funny.
• I will not snap bras.
• I will not fake seizures.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• My name is not Dr. Death.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• I will not bring sheep to class.
• A burp is not an answer.
• Teacher is not a leper.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
• The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
• I will not call the principal "spud head".
• Goldfish don't bounce.
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing-eye dog.
• I do not have diplomatic immunity.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.