Top 10 Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
Concert is Not the Real Woodstock
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Tyson's Excuses!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear:

1. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off".
2. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos".
3. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.
4. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
5. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith.
6. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy".
7. Ears are tasty.
8. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!
9. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring".
10. He ran out of gum.

Jovi Love

I met my wife when I was 22. We got married fairly young because she got pregnant. In march of 1985 we had a beautiful baby daughter that my wife wanted to name Love. She was the fruit of our mutual affection and I agreed.
Love grew up hating her name, which greatly upset me and her mother. She was bullied in school every day, something we would have given anything to be able to stop. One day Love came home from school and kissed me on the cheek, something she hadn't done since she was a kid. I heard my wife drive into the driveway and as I went to open the garage door for her I heard a loud bang behind me and I fell on the floor. My wife ran up to me, and as I bled on her arms the only thing I could say was:
Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, baby, you gave love, a bad name.