George On The River

Q: When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
A: He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!

Light Bulb - Carpenters

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.

Can't Take It With You

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin, wrote out a check for $15,000, laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.