Lone Ranger and Tonto Troubles

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do." So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?" The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim." Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?" Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

The Poetic Pharmacy

A pharmacist tells his new young clerk, "When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them."  The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.  Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug. The pharmacist says, "There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!"  "Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.  So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break. "And remember to put some poetry into it," he says. The youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom.  Just as he's about to head off, a young teenage girl comes in. "Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary napkins, to which the youth replies, "Hang on there Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!"

The Secret to Stopping the Cats

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"