Honest Lawyer

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An oxymoron.

Get Rich Quick

Q: What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?
A: Cops

Letterman's Bad Surgeon General

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.