Don't Erase This

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, erased it and then proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Farmer's Boys

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter. "Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself. His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that." The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

You Know You're Middle Aged If...

• You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
• You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
• You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
• You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
• Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
• You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
• You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
• As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
• You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
• You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
• Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
• The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
• You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
• You know what Earth Shoes are.
• You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
• Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
• On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.