How Many

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.

Halloween Coffin

A man was walking home alone late on Halloween night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin ...
... and of course ...
... the coffin stops!

Thanksgiving Story

A young boy after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?" "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard!" replied his daddy as he ducked.