Texan Buys Spread

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel. "Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid, "Ah'm looking to buy me a ranch - stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Signs You're From New York

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
• You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
• The homeless are invisible.
• The subway makes sense.
• The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
• You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
• You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
• Your door has more than three locks.
• You go to a hockey game for the fighting, in the stands, to participate.
• Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
• The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
• You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
• You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
• You complain about having to mow it.
• You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
• You consider Westchester "Upstate".
• You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

Tiger's Mercedes

Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky in his new Mercedes. He stopped at a small gas station and asked the mechanic if he could get his oil changed. "Why sure," the mechanic said, not seeming to recognize the golf star. About thirty minutes later the oil change is complete. As Tiger started to back the car out, the mechanic noticed some buttons on the dashboard and asked Tiger what they were for. Tiger looked down at the tees on his dash and says, "Those are what I set my balls on." The old man replied, "Boy oh Boy, those Germans think of everything, don't they!"