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The best jokes and joke writers!

Dancing Soldiers

Q: Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam?

A: When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

Laws of Life

Katz's Law:  Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):  When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law:  Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto:  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law:  All general statements are false.

Knight's Law:  Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation:  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction:  There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law:  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy:  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law:  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law:  In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:  You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:  Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary:  Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant:  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting:  Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law:  Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law:  The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law:  The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law:  The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law:  The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law:  Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law:  If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law:  The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law:  If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law:  The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law:  Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law:  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo:  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:  People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote:  Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate:  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law:  In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction:  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized):  The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law:  Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law:  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law:  When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law:  People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw:  For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law:  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law:  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement:  The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law:  There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law:  All things being equal, you lose.

Game Delay

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?

A: The captain was sitting on the deck.

Soldier Stands Guard

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Valentine's Day

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."