Top 10 Lists
Letterman's Bad Surgeon General
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.
Star Wars Update Changes
Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update
#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
#4 Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
#1 Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station" Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"
Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.
Top 10 Bumper Stickers!
- Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
- If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
- My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
- To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
- Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
- I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
- Illiterate? Write For Help
- If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
- Cat: The Other White Meat
- Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Things in Life I've Learned
- I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
- I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
- I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
- I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
- I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
- I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
- I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
- I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.