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The best jokes and joke writers!

Top 10 Colonoscopy Jokes

  1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
  2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
  3. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
  4. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
  5. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
  6. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
  7. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
  8. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
  9. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
  10. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

New Words Needed

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:

  1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
  2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
  4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
  5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
  6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
  7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
  8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
  9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
  10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Top 10 Christmas Jokes

10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!

9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!

8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!

7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!

6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!

5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!

4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!

3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!

2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!

1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!

Healthy Insanity for Retirement

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars
  2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'
  3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
  4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat - be serious about it
  5. Sing along at the opera
  6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won"
  7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
  8. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
  9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
  10. Go to a department store fitting room and yell, "There's no toilet paper in here"

Better than Sex?

  1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
  2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
  3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
  4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
  5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
  6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
  7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
  8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
  9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
  10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
  11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
  12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.