Pet Resolutions

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!

Top 10 Christmas Jokes

10. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes!

9. Q: Why does Santa have three gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho!

8. Q: Where do snowmen go to dance? A: Snowballs!

7. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: He had low ELF esteem!

6. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? A: Frostbite!

5. Q: Where do you find reindeer? A: It depends on where you leave them!

4. Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch? A: Icebergers!

3. Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals have? A: Baby reindeer!

2. Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic!

1. Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!

Better than Sex?

1. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
2. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
3. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
4. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
5. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
6. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
7. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
9. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
10. Good chocolate is easy to find.
11. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
12. With chocolate size doesn't matter.