Top 10 Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
Concert is Not the Real Woodstock
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Ten Reasons It's great to Be An American

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell "colour" wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president...in fact, if you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
5. If you can breathe you can get a gun
6. You can invent a new public holiday every year
7. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
8. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
9. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

Angels When a Bell Rings

Every Time A Bell Rings, An Angel...

• Spit-polishes his halo
• Buys a maxi-pad with wings
• Drops out of a so-called "Choir of Angels" because that's really just a place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God's butt
• Orders a plate of "Hades Hot" Buffalo wings
• Drinks a little too much of Junior's blood and falls off a cloud
• Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band "Wings"
• Takes a heavenly crap
• Decides to reveal the Lord's majesty to the masses by appearing on some aluminum siding in east Texas
• Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
• Sits down for dinner
• Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
• Gets his union card
• Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
• Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic and deserving angel
• Tells a mortal, "Oh c'mon, jump already! I don't got all day!"