Coffee Addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if...

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Top Signs You're an Alcoholic

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. You fall off the floor.
6. That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
7. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
8. Your career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

10 Signs You Have Cyber Sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!