Vice President Heart Problems

1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.
2. His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.
3. He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease." 
4. He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.
5. After years of eating intravenously, he can make his arm burp.
6. According to his EKG, his heartbeat has the same rate as a strobe light.
7. Number one supporter is the Grim Reaper.
8. During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."
9. After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!"
10. Let's face it: He's a politician.

Top Ten Rules For Dieting

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Motel

1. The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. 
2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
3. The "magic fingers vibration" is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic.
4. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow
5. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
6. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
7. There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
8. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
9. The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it.
10. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter