Four Big Ten Alumni

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their Alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!" Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

Government Wrestling Federation

1. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
2. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
3. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
4. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
5. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
6. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids.
8. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
9. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
10. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
11. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
12. Line to body-slam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
13. Before: "Mr. Vice President." After: "Stone Cold Cheney"

Russian Pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital. When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared." The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!" The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room. The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out. The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!" The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it. "Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"