Government Wrestling Federation

1. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
2. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
3. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
4. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
5. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
6. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids.
8. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
9. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
10. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
11. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
12. Line to body-slam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
13. Before: "Mr. Vice President." After: "Stone Cold Cheney"

Russian Pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital. When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared." The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!" The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room. The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out. The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!" The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it. "Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

Skiing Accident

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk." It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift." "So how'd you break your arm?"