The Vibrator

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom. "Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

Element : Man

Element: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :

1. Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. 
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
3. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 
5. Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
6. Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
7. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
8. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
9. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
10. When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :

1. All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 
2. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. 
3. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. 
4. Usually willing to react with whatever is available. 
5. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. 
6. Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.)
7. When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 
8. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
9. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 
10. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
  Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses :

1. Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo... 
2. Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
 Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution : 
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

If Men Truly Ruled The World

If Men TRULY Ruled the World:

• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
• The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
• Instead of a "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Garbage would take itself out.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off."
• People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
• Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
• Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
• Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
• It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
• When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.