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The best jokes and joke writers!

Golf Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

Blonde Operation

A young blonde lady is in the hospital for an operation.  She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

Asian Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.  He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.  Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."  At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

Split Bar

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent. He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again.  Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man. The man seated asks, "You got a problem, buddy?" He replied, "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"

What To Call A Penis

At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.