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Sex Jokes
Proud Father
When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10 lb healthy son. After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10 lb because he's only 8.6 lb.Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 8 lb. "What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?" "Umm, well that was before he got circumcised".
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Hit Man
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.
"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.""No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag." The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living." "Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before." "Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"
The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her." The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet," said the man. The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it." "Which one?" said the hit man. "Both," said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know." "I don't care, hit 'em both."
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "Blow his nuts off" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway." "Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."
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Spicy 50th Honeymoon
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
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