I am Saint Lucas

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.  At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered. 'Im not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.'

The Preacher and the Taxi Driver.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!"

Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

• "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
• An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
• When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
• "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one!"
• A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
• "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
• "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
• "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
• "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
• "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low,  but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
• "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
• "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
• "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
• "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
• "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
• "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
• "In the dark? Follow the Son."
• "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
• "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."