Sex Therapy

A man visits a sex therapist for help because he and his wife don't climax at the same time. The therapist tells the man that he once had the same problem and solved it by keeping a gun underneath his pillow. When he would be about to come, he'd fire the gun and his wife would come, too. The man thanks the therapist and promises to try it. He comes back the next week, pale and distraught. "What's wrong?" asks the therapist. "Well," the man says, "I tried your technique. I placed a .45 underneath the pillow, and that night when I was 69'ing with my wife, I fired the gun just as I was about to come." "And?" "She sh*t on my face and bit my d**k off."

Dear Abby - Help in DC

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month. If I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors
that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.
Finally the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed,
Lost in DC

Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You get to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!

Signed,
Abby

Honeymooners

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."