Jealous, Honey?

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? Were you???"

Divorced and Board

These two guys had each recently divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.  As soon as they arrived, they went into a trader's store and told the owner, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. Curiously, they asked,  "What's that board for?".  The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."  They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year".   "Okay", they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?".  "Yeah", said the guy.  "Where is he?", asked the trader.  "I shot him", said the guy.  "Why?", the owner asked quickly.  "I caught him in bed with my board."

I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.