Responsible Husband

My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

All The Right Answers

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away. A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license. He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

Wedding Toasts

• Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
• Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
• Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
• Marriage is a rest period between romances.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
• Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
• Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
• Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
• Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
• Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
• Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
• Marriage still confers one very special privilege: only a married person can get divorced.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
• A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
• A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
• A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
• A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
• A good woman is like a good bar: liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
• A honeymoon should be like a table. Four bare legs and no drawers.
• A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.