Next US President

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

Middle East Policy

Q: Why was former President Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East?
A: Because he thought the Gaza Strip is a topless bar!

State Dinner Gone Wrong

Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner. At the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to quickly find a replacement. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it. He complained to the chief of staff about the cook again, but  was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. Frantically undoing his trousers as he ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook." The rest, as they say, is history.