Never Forget

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.

Live To Be 100

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?" God said, "I didn't recognize you".

The Elderly Woman in the Furniture Store

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.  "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."  "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.  "Sectional schmectional," she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"