First Movie Alone

A little kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in. A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, "Why do you want another one?" The kid replies, "Because that man over there ripped the first one in half."

Irish Heaven

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

Three Kids

Anna's mother has 3 kids, the youngest daughter's name is Penny,  the middle daughter's name is Nickel. What is the oldest daughter's name? You think you know it??? Aww,  a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime,  but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!