Ash Wednesday

The night of Ash Wednesday we had a dinner, followed by worship. During the dinner, a young mother came to me and said she overheard two 3rd graders talking earlier that day in school. The little girl asked the boy what that smudge was on his forehead. He replied, "Its Ash Wednesday." 
"What's Ash Wednesday?" She asked. 
"Oh, its when Christians begin their diet," he replied

Looking For A Name

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book. "What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed. "I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied. "You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby." "You don't understand," the woman said and frowned. "My baby already has a FIRST name!"

I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.