Play it Again

Q: My son asked me what it was like to be married.
A: I deleted all the music off his iPod except one song.

Is That Mine?

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.