Delivery Drama

Q: What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?
A: A midwife crisis.

Slippers

Paddy broke his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin'?" Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

Snakes to Hiss

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.''