How Many Candles?

Recently seen on a card...
Outside: We don't feel sorry for you blowing out all those candles.  What about us...
Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

Santa Can't Be A Man

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Show your Green

Q: Why was did the Irish refuse to let John Boehner join their St. Patrick’s Day parade?
A: Because he was an Orangeman.