Twas the Night Before Xmas

T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and through down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear. The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money the reindeers all fight, Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS, And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money, And the kids these days- they all are the pits. They want the impossible... Those mean little shits. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them, They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM. If you thinks that bad...just picture this, Try holding their pants full of piss. They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm weird. Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimmnys and skinning their knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment, There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season.

Mary the Pirate

Once when Mary was young her school had a Halloween party for them.  Mary decided to go as a pirate.  After she donned her costume, she went into the family room to show her family.  They were impressed.  Mom said,  "You look terrific, Mary!  You have your sabre and your parrot on your shoulder and look!  You even have a neat sack to carry your booty.  But where are your buccaneers?"  Mary replied, "My buccaneers are under my buccan hat!"

Launched on the 4th of July

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.