Insulting at Christmas

How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.

Reindeer In A Bar

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a deer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoof-full of change and said, "Hmmmp. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

So Fat After Thanksgiving

You'll be so fat after Thanksgiving you'll put mayonnaise on aspirin.