'Twas The Night...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.
And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!
Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)
My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!
My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head
And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone
Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!
I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter
When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!
With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!
Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:
"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!
Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!
Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"
So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!
And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!
I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!
He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose
He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!
He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose
Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done
He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!
Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"

Valentine Sex

As an easy way to save money, a young couple decided that every time they have sex the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank on the nightstand. On Valentine's night, he was unusually athletic and accidentally knocked the piggy bank off the table and it broke into pieces on the floor.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten and even twenty dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the paper money?", to his wife which replied, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

Expensive Birthday

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie?  A Jaguar?  A sable coat?  A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."