A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning, or better still, thinking up names for fart types is a traditional early adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."  Occasionally, this oral tradition has achieved the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.
Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa1880 - see also "SBD's").
Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.
Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.
Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitious contributions, usually signified my the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.
SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistent with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.
Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
Wet Ones: (a.k.a Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompanied by guttural, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then departs, walking funny.
Whiffers: see Poohs.

Church Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, It's not appropriate to say the word pee in church. So, from now on whenever you have to pee just tell me that you have to 'whisper." The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

Shrimp in a Dead Woman

There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, "Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!" The other asked, "What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see." Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiously looked. Finally, the second man said, "You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris." And the other man replied, "Well, it tasted like shrimp to me."