Adult Speak

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.
First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."
Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."
Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?" Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Shit!"

Redneck Walk

You might be a redneck if...
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

Time and Place

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties. It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.