The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invites two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth wile quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHOOT!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center.

Consequences

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

If Men Truly Ruled The World

If Men TRULY Ruled the World:

• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
• The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
• Instead of a "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Garbage would take itself out.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off."
• People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
• Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
• Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
• Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
• It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
• When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.