Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.

Strategy

Singer Nicki Minaj posted a video of a crying boy who calmed down once he placed his head on her chest. Child rearing experts are calling Minaj a natural and the boy a fucking genius.

Texan's Guide To Life

• Never squat with yer spurs on.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
• Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.