Phrases For Everyday Life

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." (Leave air holes.)
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Knock Knock - Blow

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Blow!
Blow who?
Blow me, of course!

You Might Be A Redneck

You might be a redneck if...

• You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
• You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
• Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
• Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
• You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
• Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
• Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.