Doctor Doctor Collection

• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
  Doctor: When did this happen?
  Patient: When did what happen?
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
  Doctor: Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
• Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar I can't believe that!
• Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in, what about a matchbox?
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
  Doctor: Please sit on the couch.
  Patient: Which one?
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
  Doctor: Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
• Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth.. Get out of the way, your in my light!

Playground Fun

I love taking the kids to the park. The laughter. The joy. The shouts of "Higher! Push me higher!" and their shouts of "Dad, when's it my turn on the swing?"

Five Rules in Life

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.