Don's Advice

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don-a  lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin! Somma day you gonna runna  da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money,  a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma  home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna  do then...pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"

I'll Tell Them Slowly

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish." "Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

Glasgow

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris" "How do you know" ask the others "Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower." Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London" "How do you know?" asks the others "Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben" Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow." "How do you know that?" comes the reply. "Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"