Ebonics Christmas

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus an' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin', Dey wuz sleepin' good. We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause be bringin' our check. All o'de fambily wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey heads. Passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw when I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!" I looked out thru de bars what covered my doe 'spectin' de sheriff wif a warrent fo sho and what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon pulled by giant warf rats! Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white, but looks liken us bros gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po'lees car my home boy he came he whupped on dem warf rats an' called dem by name! On Leroy, on 'Lonzo, and on Willie Lee, on Saphire, on Chenequa, dey wuz a site to see! As he landed dat watta' mellon out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' da damndest site I ebber did see. He didn't go down no chimbley he picked da' lock on my doe, an' I sez to myself, "Shit! he done dis befoe!" He had dis big bag full of prezents I 'xpect wid Air Jordans and fake gold to wear roun' my neck. But he not leevin no prezents, jus stealing my shit, got my drugs, got my guns, got my crack pipe, still lit! Wit my stuff in de bag out da window he flewed I woudda' tried to cut him, but he stoled my 'nife too! He jumped on dat wadda' mellon an' whipped out a switch, he wuz gone in a seccon', dat sum of a bitch! Next year I be hopin' anutha Sanna we git Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause jus' ain't werf a shit! Murry Crimmus

Apologizing to China

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
Dear China,
We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000. We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan... since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.) In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan. Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States of America