Indian TP

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest. The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the Soft and Gentle was. "That'd be $2.50" said the clerk. "Too much." mumbled the Indian, "How about the 'Gentle'?" "That one's $2," answered the clerk. "Still too much," complained the Indian, "anything cheaper?" "Well," replied the clerk, "We do have a generic kind." "What generic mean?" asked the Indian. "It means it doesn't have a name, and it's only 50 cents." "Me take that." said the Indian. The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, "Me have name for generic toilet paper." "Oh," says the clerk, "What's the name?" "Me call it John Wayne... it's rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian."

Irish Heaven

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

Chinese Goer

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men.