Fearful Chicken

Q: Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
A: Far from being a proverbial chicken, this deeply disturbed fowl suffered from chronic depression and social anxiety disorder, usually treated with a combination therapy of Luvox and Paxil.

Blonde Medical Terminology

ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.
BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.
BENIGN--What you are after you be 8.
CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.
COLIC--A sheep dog.
COMA--A punctuation mark.
CONGENITAL--Friendly.
DILATE--To live longer.
FESTER--Quicker.
G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
GRIPPE--A suitcase.
HANGNAIL--A coat hook.
MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane.
MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging.
MORBID--A higher offer.
NODE--Was aware of.
ORGANIC--Church musician.
OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted.
POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier.
PROTEIN--In favor of young people.
SECRETION--Hiding anything.
SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood.
TABLET--A small table.
TUMOR--An extra pair.
URINE--Opposite of you're out.
VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.

New Year's Resolutions

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy!
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!